Imagine a breakup so devastating it must never have happened. You were kind, went out of your way, learned about this person for months, and it was all over before it even began. You never even dated.

Finding someone you might be interested in dating in the first place is tough. It is hard to know if they are “talking” to other people. “Talking,” for many, happens before dating, and most importantly before commitment, so individuals get away with talking to several different people of romantic interest simultaneously. Having multiple options at once, especially if they do not know that they are one of several options, puts into question one’s self-awareness. Should they not feel bad for leading on multiple people at the same time? If all of someone’s options expect a relationship, or at least a date, and end up not getting one, they could be left seriously hurt. But the thought process of someone who likes to have multiple options does not follow that course. Oftentimes they keep  their options at bay in order to sustain validation, whether it be for looks or personality (or lack thereof), for as long as possible. Each option has the same goal, and they will keep up the compliments, acts of service, and most importantly, their interest, for as long as they feel like they have a chance. Of course, not everyone in the dating pool has a “roster,” but it does discourage many from talking to someone in the first place. 

However, as much of a morally gray practice as keeping a roster is, it is becoming more and more normal as time passes. Constant validation from multiple people becomes addictive. It is relatively easy to keep one’s options from knowing about each other with how easy communication is made by social media. Moreover, cheating, even on small scales, is also incredibly easy due to the multitude of ways to communicate. You could even say that cheating is easier than ever, and more addictive than ever as well. Using social media, it is as easy as sending a DM. It does not require meeting after school, or meeting at all, and with such ease and frequency comes a plethora of complications when the other party finds out. 

Dependence in a relationship takes on many forms. One might depend on their significant other for validation concerning their physical appearance, social status, or character flaws, and some let their whole well-being depend on the other’s presence. Someone being dependent on their partner discourages them from breaking up, even after finding out about being cheated on, manipulated, ghosted, used, etc. This is where self-worth becomes a determining factor; putting one’s needs above their wants. When someone in a declining relationship puts their want for validation, happiness, etc. over their need for separation, the most harmful of breakups tend to follow. Again, self-awareness is called into question, asking, “Why stay in this relationship if you know that they aren’t good for you?” Again, dependence could be the answer, but if that other person in a relationship was a friend before a partner, i.e. they started out as just friends, their absence could mean even more. Many people are fearful of not just losing a boyfriend or girlfriend, but a platonic friend. Knowing that person before having a romantic relationship with them makes their absence in one’s life much more potent, as it may feel like a double loss, and provides incentive for sticking with them when it ends up causing more pain than joy.

Another incentive to enter into a relationship is the season. Around the holidays, baking with a significant other, matching pajamas, and overall being cozy together seems very attractive to single people. Valentine’s Day and Prom can have a similar effect. Especially to people who have never dated before, being in a relationship seems like the thing to do in seasons of advertised love. Relationships, for a long time, have been glamorized: first by television, then by social media, and always by in person interactions. Seeing happy couples in public or a friend in a relationship is perhaps the strongest effect. Singles know that couples run into problems sometimes, but they are overtly glossed over by television, social media, and friends. This aspect contributes most strongly to the idea that standards are incredibly low, as demand for relationships is heightened by the holiday. People are willing to enter a relationship with someone who might not be good enough for them because they want to bake cookies, post their significant other on social media, receive chocolates on Valentine’s Day, and have a Prom date. It could be summed up as a collective FOMO (fear of missing out). Furthermore, simple actions like opening car doors, buying flowers, etc. are not always perceived as the “bare minimum” in a partner, even though those specific actions have been popularized for generations. The fear that those actions will go away lends people to think of them as above average, but that fear requires experience in a relationship where those things did go away. 

This generation is composed of a lot of hurt, selfish, and fearful individuals, who both have low standards and actively lower the standards of others by normalizing a culture of low commitment, manipulation, peer pressure, and more. Many of them would agree that this culture should not continue, but indeed continue to perpetuate it by entering those talking stages, keeping lists of guys/girls, and falling victim to their fear of missing out on largely performative experiences.